It's raining...

....inside of my head this week.

i picked that opening statement because I feel like a lot of people's moods are directly influeneced by the weather around them.....hence you get a "wintertime depression"...also why more people date/have relationships during the spring/summer time......it's just how you feel at the time.

So since it's raining in my head im kind of scared......bc this means that i've been in sort of an emo mood as of late.....something I really didn't want to go back to since I left it in highschool.

Soooooo, some backstory....my life in HS was really bad. I was (still am?) the fat kid that few people liked. I never really had any close friends (only 1 that I still talk to....but even then it's rare)....and hardly any relationships to speak of.

This got slightly better around junior year when I joined my marching band (drumline), the choir, and the stagecrew.....it was nice to finally find people who I could talk to....and who wouldn't judge me for what i looked like, where i was from, or what music i listened to.....it was really nice......i miss it more than anything in the world. I've made a lot of friends in college through pike, WW, all my classes, works, and activities....but it's not like it used to be. Everyone is so focused on being "independant" that they seldom think they need/will take advice....which is one of the only things im actually good at......so what purpose do i have? to continually offer a service that means nothing to everybody? my life is kind of empty. I really dont know what to do sometimes.

maybe that's one of the reasons why im so focused on relationships....bc i know that in one of those i have an outlet to give of myself to someone who would appreciate it...id belong somewhere.....and i have so much to give.

as a kid i really had no family life to speak of....my father worked a min of 60 hrs a week (still does), my mom teaches and has a disorder where shes fatigued all the time......my little brother has ADD. Past all of that, when we got home we would basically go into our respective rooms, come out for dinner, then retire to do homework.watch TV/ whatever......wash-rinse-repeat. Of course I love my family more than anything....but when i was with my crew kids or the band, i felt like i had a place that I really flourished...i got used to that.

Here, especially given the fact that i am CONSTANTLY busy with all of the activities/assignents that i have on my plate, i dont think ive made any real close friends that I can really be myself around....there are few people who i would feel comfortable explaining my past to....and even less who would understand the other things not mentioned here...

they say that "home is where the heart is"......so i guess i live on my sleeve then.

Currently Listn'n: ReliantK - "Deathbed"